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tea and white flowers

I have no problems with any one of you and I don't mean to offend those who have asked, but the topics currently on my mind are for my thoughts alone. I would not want to persuade you to judge the situation based on my personal bias, which I am presently trying to rid myself of so that I may approach things with a clear mind and unclouded heart.

I don't like the situation but I am particularly proud, in a small and strange way, that I have remained passive about it. Many of you may think that being aggressive is the right thing to do, but in this, doing nothing is doing the right thing.

Maybe I was right when I predicted I would become more enlightened by this. It's not Zen as I joked, but really a discovery of one's self. You have a choice: You can be rash, do what you want to do and damn the consequences, or you can stop. It's the stillness of the stopping, the moment when you realize that you have done something so out of character that even you had to wonder about it.

Imagine that the power has gone out and you were working on a paper due in the morning. Your first reaction is to be angry, to yell and be upset about it. But that's the problem: it's a reaction. It solves nothing, it doesn't bring your paper back, and you end up wasting a lot of time. You can't change the events that have caused the power to go out; you can get angry about it or you can accept it. It's really your choice.

But say you've always lost your temper. When the moment comes and you find yourself in a calm, somewhat sad, state of being, you realize that something has changed--you're not quite sure what, but you know you'll never be the same again.

And you're content with this fact.


So let me say in way of explanation, that the power has gone out and I'm sitting here in the dark. I can only sigh and hope that the forces I can't control turn the power back on again. I'm not blaming myself but at the same time, I'm not playing the victim. I just am. There is nothing I can do better.

Comments

*knows that these are your own thoughts, but is...worried?*

I know if you wanted others to know, you would have posted it outright, or made allusions to it. You do not want anyone to know what happened, as is clear from your post, so I will not insult you by asking.

I will, however, express my...worry? concern? for your well-being and state of mind, though I am not there to see how you are. However, though the saying is well-worn, my number is always open...

But I know that some things are better kept to oneself. It is your decision as to what you will do, but I hope that, as you eloquently put it, that the power "comes back on." I hope that the situation is not something so awful and terrible that it will leave lasting damage...but then, if the power is out, I guess nothing can be done at present time.

If I have botched things, offended you, or made things worse by this post because I do not understand what has happened, I ask your pardon and say only that I am speaking as one concerned friend to another. I may not understand the situation, and I may not like that whatever it is has happened, but I want you to know that I will listen, should you need to talk.

The lights are usually on here, at least on the porch.

@};-
*hugs* I miss you
tea and white flowers

February 2007

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