I don't like the situation but I am particularly proud, in a small and strange way, that I have remained passive about it. Many of you may think that being aggressive is the right thing to do, but in this, doing nothing is doing the right thing.
Maybe I was right when I predicted I would become more enlightened by this. It's not Zen as I joked, but really a discovery of one's self. You have a choice: You can be rash, do what you want to do and damn the consequences, or you can stop. It's the stillness of the stopping, the moment when you realize that you have done something so out of character that even you had to wonder about it.
Imagine that the power has gone out and you were working on a paper due in the morning. Your first reaction is to be angry, to yell and be upset about it. But that's the problem: it's a reaction. It solves nothing, it doesn't bring your paper back, and you end up wasting a lot of time. You can't change the events that have caused the power to go out; you can get angry about it or you can accept it. It's really your choice.
But say you've always lost your temper. When the moment comes and you find yourself in a calm, somewhat sad, state of being, you realize that something has changed--you're not quite sure what, but you know you'll never be the same again.
And you're content with this fact.
So let me say in way of explanation, that the power has gone out and I'm sitting here in the dark. I can only sigh and hope that the forces I can't control turn the power back on again. I'm not blaming myself but at the same time, I'm not playing the victim. I just am. There is nothing I can do better.